If I let you go
by vinkunwildflowerqueen
Summary: Fiyero has a hard decision to make- twice. What will he choose? Musicalverse, 2 shot. Fiyeraba.
1. Chapter 1

**If I Let you go**

**By Vinkunwildflowerqueen**

**DISCLAIMER: _Wicked _is not my creation or property. **

**AN. This was supposed to be a one-shot, but ended up as a two-shot. Either way, it's dedicated to David Harris, today finishing up over a year and a half as Fiyero in the Australian production of _Wicked _currently in South Korea.**

**David was the 3rd Fiyero I've seen (on stage, not counting YouTube), and by far the best. He is an incredible actor and singer, and adds new layers to Fiyero. He is also the first Fiyero I met, and is genuinely one of the nicest people I've ever met. He's just lovely.**

**He was the inspiration for my Fiyero in _Falling In, Taking Chances, _and especially _Stranger to Myself, _and I'm sure he will continue to influence my writing for future fics. **

**We're going to miss him as Fiyero! **

**Chapter One**

Once upon a time, there lived a handsome prince. The prince was not only handsome, but charming, and could win the affections of any girl of his choosing. He specialised his talents and efforts into having fun, enjoying life, and not having to think too hard or take anything too seriously.

Until he met a certain green-skinned girl and helped her to free a caged Lion Cub. Then that life was no more.

It's not to say that Fiyero was afraid of commitment. He just avoided it. And whilst he cared for every girl he'd dated- some deeper than others, he'd never felt anything like this before. He'd never been in love before. He'd never believed in love at first sight- and this definitely had not been love at first sight. But he never thought it was really possible to fall this hard and this fast.

In the days following that day- which would always be ingrained in his mind as "The Lion Cub Day", he found his mind absolutely completely consumed by thoughts of Elphaba. Where she was, what she was doing, what she was thinking, and most importantly- how could he gain her attention and/or talk to her?

The matter was slightly more complicated… well, totally and horrendibly more complicated, by the fact Fiyero was currently dating Elphaba's roommate and newfound best friend, the blonde, perky, and popular Galinda. It was safe to say that Fiyero's attention and focus had wandered from his girlfriend recently; but Fiyero didn't think anyone had noticed just who his attention was now redirected to, or why.

Fiyero was relieved by that. He knew he hadn't been the most attentive and doting of boyfriends since that day, and he knew Galinda had noticed and was upset about it. And he felt guilty, he did. Even if he and Galinda hadn't been dating that long, he did care for her and he never _planned _for his thoughts to always be directed to her roommate. Fiyero knew how easy everything would be if he was capable of simply _not _thinking about Elphaba; but he couldn't help it. Every time the green girl was in the room- and a lot of the time when she wasn't, his mind went directly to her as though drawn by a magnet.

"Fiyero? Are you even listening to me?"

This was now a common refrain from Galinda, and every time they were said, Fiyero's reaction was to jump guiltily and assure her that she had his full attention. They both knew that was a lie, however.

It wasn't as if Galinda hadn't inquired as to what had caused the sudden change to his behaviour; but his vague responses of,

"I've got a lot on my mind at the moment" or "I was just thinking" didn't seem to reassure her. Fiyero couldn't blame her, he was unsettled by the changes himself. Thinking wasn't something that he usually put a lot of effort into or devoted much time to.

But what else was he supposed to say? The truth?

"Sorry, Galinda, I wasn't listening to you talk about shoes, I was actually just wishing that I'd kissed Elphaba when I had the chance."

Yes, _that _would go down well.

He couldn't even find the courage to mention anything to Elphaba (not for lack of trying), let alone bring it up with Galinda. All Fiyero could do was wrestle with himself about what to do.

"Fiyero? What do you think? I'm right, aren't I?"

Fiyero blinked and stilled slightly, having no idea what Galinda was talking about or whether she was right or not.

"Er… of course you're right," he said finally, hoping that was the right answer.

Luckily, Galinda beamed at him and turned with satisfaction to Elphaba. "See, Elphie? We should celebrate you getting an invitation to see the Wizard!."

Oh, so _that _was what she was talking about. Well, Fiyero definitely agreed about that.

"Yeah, we should celebrate!" he addressed Elphaba, who eyed him warily.

"I've heard you say we should celebrate Fridays, so you'll forgive me if I'm not going to take your word for this," she answered him dryly.

He shrugged sheepishly, and Galinda jumped back in.

"What do you say, Elphie? We can go out to dinner or something!"

"Who's 'we'?" Elphaba asked suspiciously.

"You, me, Fiyero, Nessarose, and… who's that Munchkin she's spending time? Bick?" Galinda suggested.

Elphaba didn't bother to correct her. Finally, she let out a long sigh and looked Galinda directly in the eyes.

"Only dinner, not at the OzDust- somewhere I can hear myself think and only the… five of us. And somewhere casual. Got it?" she said sharply.

Galinda nodded happily. "Got it! Tomorrow night? I mean, you leave the next day, right? That doesn't leave a lot of time."

Elphaba sighed in agreement. "Fine."

Nessarose agreed to the plans, she was proud of her sister's achievements and Boq… well, he really wasn't given an option.

So, the five of them went to dinner to celebrate Elphaba being summoned to see the Wizard. Galinda and Nessa both chattered excitedly about what the Wizard might be like, and everything Elphaba could do or see in the Emerald City. Fiyero and Boq sat there mostly in silence, Boq looking dutifully at Nessa but sneaking glances out of the corner of his eye; and Fiyero alternating his own gazes between his girlfriend and… the girl he wished was his girlfriend?

He wasn't sure, and that was part of the problem. As far as Fiyero could see, he had two options:

He could break up with Galinda, deal with the fallout from _that _and hopefully… maybe… tell Elphaba how he felt about her and ask her out.

Or, he could forget his feelings and focus his attention and affection on Galinda, who he did really care for and was, by all appearances, perfect for him.

Yes, his feelings for Elphaba were by far stronger than anything he felt for Galinda or had ever felt for anyone; but the truth was, it was far simpler and easier just to stay with Galinda.

The second option was tempting. Very tempting. How big was the fall out for breaking up with your girlfriend for her best friend? And there was no guarantee Elphaba felt anything for him in return; and Fiyero was concerned by the idea that he might feel guilty being with Elphaba, how it had come about.

Yes, maybe it was easier just to leave things the way they were.

"Are you ready to order?" a voice asked, startling Fiyero out of his thoughts and he looked up to see the waiter standing there.

Galinda looked around the table. "Yes, I think so."

They all ordered, and Fiyero made a conscious effort to keep his mind on the conversation. They kept up a mostly easy conversation as they ate, thanks to the effort of Galinda and Nessarose who kept the conversation flowing when it stalled until Fiyero, Elphaba or Boq felt the need to contribute to the discussion.

"I can't believe it's managed to stay a secret, something like this. I mean, it's hardly every day a university student is summoned to the Wizard, is it?" Galinda said proudly, beaming at her friend.

"No, but it's me," Elphaba reminded her. "No one cares what _I _do. If it was _you_ going, I'm sure everyone would know."

"True," Galinda admitted.

"Are you nervous? About meeting the Wizard, I mean," Nessa asked her sister.

Elphaba thought about that carefully. "I'm not sure. I don't think so," she said slowly. "Should I be?"

"No," Galinda said confidently. "Everything comes down to confidence, Elphie. Oh, which reminds me!"

She reached down to her feet and retrieved a small bag, which she handed to Elphaba.

"I got you a present."

Elphaba looked startled and suspicious, and she didn't take it at first.

"What is it?" Galinda frowned slightly.

"I'm just remembering the last present you gave me," Elphaba replied, with a faint smirk.

It took Galinda a second to realise her friend was talking about the OzDust and the pointed hat, then she flushed and shook her head. "No, Elphie… take it."

Elphaba did so, and cautiously unwrapped it to reveal a black cotton dress with long sleeves, a high neck and tiny buttons down the front of the dress.

"I thought you should have something really nice to wear when you meet the Wizard," Galinda explained.

Elphaba clearly didn't know what to say in response for a moment.

"Thank you, Galinda," she said finally, her voice soft.

Fiyero thought it was a lovely gesture on Galinda's part, and he smiled. This was just one reason he should be happy with Galinda, she clearly cared about her friends, and she and Elphaba hadn't been friends for that long.

Elphaba leaned over and hugged her roommate tightly, and Galinda giggled happily as she returned the hug equally as tight. Fiyero couldn't help but wonder what it would feel like to hold Elphaba in his arms, and furiously swatted the thought away as quickly as it had come.

"It's a lovely dress," Nessa commented as the girls pulled away, and Galinda began telling the story of how she had come to buy it, without needing to be asked.

Fiyero's male brain immediately tuned out, although he suspected Elphaba was doing the same thing. But whilst knowing Elphaba, it was more than likely her brain drifted to books or to school; Fiyero's brain dared to creep back in the idea of holding Elphaba in his arms and just how exactly would that feel.

Elphaba was taller than Galinda by several inches, but she was just as thin, if not thinner. If Fiyero was right, Elphaba would nestle right under his chin- he would be able to smell her hair… he'd been just too far away to be able to do that in the clearing, that day with the Lion Cub. In hindsight, he thought he caught a whiff of something, almost like some kind of flower, but he couldn't remember with enough clarity and he hadn't been close enough since to double check.

"I'd like to propose a toast," Fiyero said hastily, when his thoughts began to stray too far into dangerous territory for his liking.

He grabbed his glass as the others turned to him. He motioned impatiently for the others to likewise pick up their glasses.

"To Elphaba," he continued, with a small nod in her direction and she lowered her eyes uncomfortably. "Off to meet the Wonderful Wizard of Oz!"

"And to prove she is a thousand times smarter than anyone else here," Galinda added with a smile.

Elphaba blushed shyly as they all toasted and sipped.

"Elphaba's always been the smartest person I know," Nessa said matter-of-factly.

Elphaba smiled at Nessa, a brilliant smile that lit up her entire face. Fiyero's gut clenched slightly, Elphaba had such a beautiful smile that few ever really saw. He saw the love Elphaba directed at her younger sister, and wondered if perhaps he would ever see a smile like that directed at him.

He'd seen her smirk at him, or give small, uncomfortable smiles at times, but never like this. Never a genuine, real, relaxed smile. And Fiyero wanted to be on the receiving end of one of those smiles so badly.

But he wouldn't. He couldn't. Not in the current circumstances.

And here was his dilemma- were those questions, those desires- to hold her, to have her smiling back at _him… _were they deep enough to be able to withstand the fallout from breaking up with Galinda and the battle to be allowed inside Elphaba's inner walls?

Fiyero came to the decision that night, that he would mull it over. Elphaba was leaving for the Emerald City and would be gone for a few days. That would surely be enough time to tell how strong his feelings for her were, and he could act accordingly from there.

**AN. BTW, this is based off the Westlife song by the same name. (See my blog!)**


	2. Chapter 2

**DISCLAIMER: _Wicked _is not my creation or property.**

**Chapter Two**

It felt like déjà vu to Fiyero.

Not that the two situations were anything alike really; except for the fact that once again Fiyero was faced with an incredibly hard decision which he never really made the first time around- three years ago.

Did he let Elphaba go?

Not physically, because that would involve him knowing where Elphaba physically was and having her if not in his arms, then in his custody which was something he was trying to avoid.

But emotionally.

The doubt from three years ago was gone, there was nothing quite like your girlfriend stepping off the train and throwing herself into your arms, crying that her best friend (and the girl you may or may not love) was now a fugitive on the run from the Wizard of Oz himself; to make you realise that you did in fact love said girl.

And Fiyero had responded as all men in love did, committing himself to his studies and work until graduation and promptly joining the Gale Force in order to be at the forefront for the girl now renowned as the Wicked Witch of the West.

But three years on, he still had nothing to show for it all.

Fiyero missed Elphaba more than he'd ever imagined. Absence makes the heart grow fonder indeed.

His every day was consumed with wanting to be out there, searching for her, diving upon every scrap of information and every lead, however flimsy, hoping it might lead him to her. His every night was consumed with a plan of attack for the next day, and wondering where Elphaba was at this moment.

Did she have adequate food, shelter, medical supplies? He knew one of the rumours was that she had taken up with some rebel Animals, but that didn't really help him. Animals could survive on grass and roots. Elphaba… not so much, although he was sure that she would try.

A few times, when it looked as though he'd stumbled upon a spot where she might have been once, but certainly wasn't now; he'd try and discreetly leave something behind in case she should pass by again. Some food, or supplies, when it began to get colder it would be blankets or tools to build a fire.

He don't know if there was a point to it, or if she ever found them. Fiyero never had the courage to go back and check if the supplies had been taken.

It tormented him, not knowing if she was alright; whilst he lived a life of finery with Galinda. Sorry, _Glinda._

Which was still as much of an issue as it had been three years ago. Yes, he still cared for Glinda- in some ways, they had been even stronger after Elphaba had first fled, brought together in their pain. But the more Glinda became entrenched in palace life and her role as a public figure, the more Fiyero distanced himself from her.

_Why can't this feeling just fade away_? He thought to himself miserably.

The thing he missed most about Elphaba? The way she saw straight through him.

Turning his act around in Shiz after she left hadn't been easy. Getting into the Gale Force and rising through the ranks had definitely not been easy. But every time Fiyero had felt like given up, he'd heard Elphaba's voice in his head.

"_No, not really stupid… no matter how shallow and self-absorbed you _pretend _to be…"_

Granted, "not really stupid" wasn't the biggest vote of confidence Fiyero had ever received, but it was the most genuine. And the words kept him going when he was at his lowest point.

The truth was, Elphaba spoke right to his heart. And there had been many times in the past three years where he'd needed that- he'd wanted that. And Elphaba was the only person he counted on to do that.

But here he was, and she was Oz knows where. They were worlds apart.

"Fiyero? Dearest?"

Fiyero forced a bright smile on his face as Glinda entered the room, looking beautiful in a green dress and hat.

"Are you ready for the press conference?" she asked him, coming up to him and smoothing non-existent lint off the front of his Gale Force uniform.

Fiyero wasn't, he loathed press conferences, but he nodded. This was unavoidable- this was the Wizard and Morrible's- and Glinda's- chance to show off their new Captain of the Guard.

"Sure, let's get this over with," he agreed.

Glinda beamed at him and took his arm as they headed towards the stage where the press conference would be taking place. Madame Morrible was waiting for them, and already a crowd of press and citizens was beginning to eagerly form. Glinda's public appearances usually caused this kind of fuss. They adored her- and she adored being the subject of their adoration.

"You both are aware of the proceedings?" Morrible asked them as they ascended to the podium.

Fiyero and Glinda both nodded in agreement, they'd been informed the night before. Glinda would make a short speech, then Morrible would conduct a short interview with Fiyero, and if need be, he would take questions from concerned Ozians- no doubt wanting to be reassured that they were close to capturing… the Witch.

How he hated having to refer to Elphaba as such.

As Glinda positioned herself before the microphone, ready to address the crowd, Fiyero cast an observing eye over them. Many were chatting amongst themselves as they waited for the press conference to begin, no doubt discussing the Wicked Witch- Fiyero really felt like no one was able to talk about anything else.

Glinda held her hands up to gain the crowd's attention, and they obediently fell silent.

"Fellow Ozians," she began. "As terrifying as terror is, let us put aside our panic for one day. And celebrate!"

Fiyero had to smile, despite himself. It was typically Glinda, to find a reason to celebrate at all times- no matter the circumstances. He ignored the voice that pointed out that three years ago, it had been typically him too.

And the crowd responded, cheering happily.

"Finally a day that's totally Wicked Witch free," Madame Morrible announced and Fiyero narrowed his eyes in dislike.

Morrible always found a way to relate everything that happened- good or bad, back to the "Wicked Witch". Why, in case two minutes went by without someone feeling like Elphaba would swoop down and attack at any moment?

"Thank Goodness for you, Glinda!" Morrible continued. "And to your handsome swain- our new Captain of the Guard!"

Fiyero forced a smile as the crowd applauded. Handsome swain? Was that what he'd been reduced to?

Glinda gestured impatiently for him to take his place at the microphone, which he did so dutifully. They were clearly up to the interview part of the proceedings.

"You've been in the forefront of the hunt for the Wicked Witch, haven't you Captain?" Morrible asked him, which Fiyero felt was a fairly obvious question.

And he only just managed to stop himself from flinching visibly at the "Wicked Witch" title.

"Well, I don't think of her as a Wicked Witch," he began, but Morrible hastily covered the microphone with her hand and glared at him.

Then she forced a smile, making her voice falsely light. "So, Captain. How does it feel?"

How did it feel to spend three years searching for the girl you loved and not come close? To spend three years just wanting a sign to know she was okay? If Fiyero answered truthfully, there would be trouble.

"Frustrating," he said finally, well aware his answer was vague.

Feeling the need to emphasis, to convince Morrible he was truly on their side, he hurried to continue.

"But I became Captain of the Guard to find her," he said, consoling himself by saying that wasn't a lie. "And I will keep searching-"

"No, no, no!" Morrible interrupted, almost laughing. "Being engaged!"

The crowd gasped happily, cheering excitedly at the news that Glinda the Good was to be married. Fiyero, completely stunned, whirled around to see where Morrible was pointing, to see a large banner reading '_Congratulotions!' _being lowered.

Fiyero gaped between Morrible and a beaming Glinda momentarily.

"This is an _engagement _party?" he demanded.

"Surprised?" Glinda beamed happily, almost bouncing up and down on the spot.

Considering he had no memory of ever proposing to Glinda, "surprised" was an understatement.

"Yes," he said finally, not knowing what else to say.

But Glinda simply linked her arm through his and laid her head on his shoulder. "We hoped you'd be- the Wizard and I," she smiled.

Fiyero could only stand there in silence, trying to wrap his head around what had just happened. Glinda was gushing to the crowd about their happiness, but her words all blurred in Fiyero's ear.

"And Glinda dear, we are happy for you!" Morrible spoke for the crowd, many of whom nodded in agreement.

"As Press Secretary, I have striven to ensure that all Oz knows the story of your braverism. How vividly I remember," Morrible trailed off wistfully, as the crowd hung on her every word.

"The day you were first summoned to an audience with Oz, and although he would not tell you why initially. When you bowed before his throne he decreed you'd hence be known as Glinda the Good - officially!"

Fiyero frowned and leaned forward to murmur to Glinda.

"That's now how you described it to me," he said to her.

Glinda never lost her smile, as she muttered back out of the corner of her mouth. "Yes, well… we'll talk about that later."

Morrible continued, her voice dropping slightly. "Then with a jealous squeal, the Wicked Witch burst from concealment where she had been lurking -surrpetitially!"

The crowd gasped and flew into a panic, as they did at any mention of Elphaba.

"I hear she has an extra eye that always remains awake!" Fiyero heard one person say.

"I hear that she can shed her skin as easily as a snake!" another chimed in.

"I hear some rebel Animals are giving her food and shelter!" a woman added, which was nothing Fiyero hadn't heard before. If anything, it was the rumour most likely to be true.

"I hear her soul is so unclean pure water can melt her!"

Fiyero couldn't help but react to that. "What!?" he demanded furiously, glaring at the woman who had spoken, as Glinda tried desperately to calm him.

That was a new one, and it spread through the crowd like wildfire.

"Melt her!? Please - somebody go and melt her!" Fiyero heard from all sides of the crowd.

Glinda was still trying to calm him and keep the smile on her face, but that was the last straw for Fiyero.

"Do you hear that - water will _melt_ her?!"

"Ssh, dearest," Glinda tried to placate him, but he cut her off.

"No! People are so empty-headed, they'll believe anything!"

Completely fed up, he stormed off the podium, leaving Glinda standing there awkwardly.

"Uh, excuse us, just a tick-tock!" he heard her say, and then she hurried after him.

"Fiyero!" she called after him and Fiyero reluctantly came to a stop.

He turned to face her and saw the look in her eyes.

"Well… I can't just there grinning, _pretending _to go along with all of this!" he defended himself unhappily.

Glinda looked at him, clearly disappointed at his actions and feeling slightly defensive herself.

"Do you think I _like _hearing them say those awful things about her? I _hate _it," she replied.

Fiyero's heart leapt, feeling close to her for a moment. "Then what are we doing here?" he asked softly. "Let's go. Let's get out of here."

He reached for her hand, but Glinda took a step back.

"I can't!" she said as though that explained it all. "I can't leave now, when people are looking to me to raise their spirits!"

Her eyes begged him to understand, but Fiyero couldn't. He did understand the truth though.

"You can't leave because you can't resist this," he said, almost accusingly. "_That's _the truth."

Glinda wrestled with herself for a moment before caving in. "Maybe I can't," she admitted. "Is that _so _wrong? Who could?"

Fiyero almost laughed in her face. "You know who could. And who has."

He made to move, but Glinda rushed after him and grabbed his arm. It was a feeling of déjà vu for Fiyero, except it was the wrong girl… he felt nothing when Glinda touched him.

"Fiyero," she said softly. "I miss her too. But we can't just stop living. _No one _has searched harder for her than you, but don't you see? She doesn't _want _to be found. You've got to face it."

Fiyero met her gaze reluctantly. She had a point, Elphaba clearly didn't want to be found. But that didn't stop him from loving her. From keeping the memory of her words in his mind; from wondering what it would be like to hold her; to keep the vision of her smile in his mind's eye.

"You're right," he admitted, looking at his supposed fiancée.

And here was his choice again. Did he keep fighting for the girl he loved, who clearly didn't want to be found… or did he let go of her and marry Glinda? He couldn't avoid making the choice this time.

He forced himself to smile and took her hand in his. "And look… if it'll make you happy, of course I'll marry you."

Glinda chuckled awkwardly. "But… it'll make _you _happy too, right?" she asked uncertainly.

Fiyero leaned forward and kissed her cheek.

"You know me, I'm always happy," he shrugged lightly and left without another word.

He heard Glinda call after him, but didn't stop this time. He'd made his choice. But he just wasn't sure if it was the right one.

If it was right, why did it hurt so much?


End file.
